wordless wednesday.

Labels are for food… and prescription drugs

Not once or twice, but three times yesterday I was asked, “soooo, how’s your love life?” in that inquisitive yet sympathetic way that married & coupled women pose the question to single ladies. (Ugh! I got it. You’re married, I’m not. Get off your pedestal!)

The multiple Spanish Inquisitions left me to wonder… since when is my love life (or lack there of) the major topic of discussion? Don’t we have other far more pressing issues to discuss like the war, the election or the economy? Apparently those subjects are too depressing and others would rather discuss my unlabeled current state of affairs.

Labels: Boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, life partner, significant other. Oh, and let’s not forget gay, straight, bi, transgender, transsexual, republican, democrat, Catholic and Taoist. Sheesh! Sex, politics and religion all differentiated with some sort of label…categorized and neatly put into the Dewey Decimal System of life. Conglomerations of individuals that we unequivocally identify with, and often judge, based merely on their label.

I began to wonder, what’s in a name? Do all of our titles truly encompass each and every part our beings? How can one word fully embody all that we are and all that we do? And, what happens when we identify so strongly with a label only to have it evolve into something else? Does that mean we are no longer what we once were, or are we just a newer version? Do we suddenly become the new and improved upgraded, fully functional 7.0 versions?

There was a time when I wholeheartedly subscribed to the concept that “labels are for food and prescription drugs.” Not only did I believe it, but I convinced others to believe my gospel also. I was so caught up in the now of then and hell bent on the fact that “it is what it is,” and there wasn’t a suitable label in existence. I wasn’t about to have my REAL-ity confined by a singular classification. Certainly some labels come without much forethought, they’re easily obtained and we’re able to gain some identity through them. But, what happens when we find ourselves “unidentified?” Do we really need a label to justify or signify who we are, or is it possible to negate the ideology that we must be something to be someone?

Label me this… who are you?

knowing what you TRULY want…is half the battle.

Happiness doesn’t interest me. What I really want is a deep peace in my life, the kind that comes from living my greatest life.

A clean house doesn’t interest me. I want a welcoming and relaxing home where the goal isn’t a perfect environment, but rather an inviting gathering place for those I love the most.

I’m not interested in a loving relationship. What I want is a deep soul connection, a bond beyond this world. A knowing in my bones that I am cherished and adored. A passion that grows and expands to hold both of us for an eternity.

I don’t want a successful business. What I really want is the opportunity to work with my greatest potential to craft an awesome lifestyle, and work with what I love each day.

Financial stability doesn’t really interest me. What I really want is to risk my financial livelihood on what I love. To break my feelings of inadequacy and embrace the best part of myself, and to believe that I am worth that much.

The appearance of a person doesn’t interest me. The condition of your heart interests me. So many of the people I meet are heartsick. I’m interested in exchanging a little light in our lives with whatever time we have together.

I’m not interested in the cliche. What I really want is to be true to my deepest heart and experience that reality in my everyday life.

wordless wednesday.

If you understand this, you deserve a cookie

Ever get that feeling that you may be over-thinking certain things? Where you put one and one together and come up with a conclusion that, at the time, seems so reasonable it had to be true? The next day you would remember what you had concluded and thought “Im an idiot for thinking that.”

This represents an example of the cliche “too smart for your own good.” As a one veer deep into thought, one loses oneself in it. Conclusions would be clouded with poor judgment, in spiraling downward deeper into oneself, one plus one may equal three and it would make sense. Without hesitation, you will come to believe one plus one equals three, and from then on, everything that you may add up differs from what is actual, and it would still make sense because one plus one equals three.

Everyone has a dark side within them regardless of how you uphold yourself in front of family, friends, or even yourself. In a situation where you do not feel right in, an obvious answer would be to ask. But what if that becomes inconclusive? what then? In an effort to try to make sense of a situation that seems so unsatisfactory, you would put one and one together to create three in efforts to avoid the obvious answer, leading to a bigger problem, avoiding the big picture.

The big picture has many faces. All with its own unique characteristics that creates a different picture without them. One can conclude that one plus one equals three, but only if another plus one comes before or in between that. Without an extra one, three will not exist.

To create a non-obvious answer, one would, somewhere along the lines, add another one within the equation to create a different answer. But what if they added too much ones? Another answer would arise resulting in further discourse.

By the time a conclusion has been agreed upon by oneself, too many plus ones and minus ones have occurred. One mistake stacked on top of another creates a conclusion far beyond comprehension of others because it does not resemble fact, but more of fiction. Until you regain full consciousness, you would forget about the equation and take the discoursed conclusion as fact.

Have I lost you yet?

I dont expect anyone to purely understand this, but this is exactly how confusing my mind is right now.

I know what their goal is, but is there an underlying reason for sugar-coating everything? Do they think Im stupid or am I just over-thinking things again? Could it be truth or could they have hidden motives?

…..ugh

friday night blues.

Ok guys, I truly don’t feel like blogging today.

Just not feeling 100% and no, I don’t want to share why.

But fear not.. I’ll be back in working order tomorrow through prayer & meditation.

…and re-runs of Kimora: Life In The Fab Lane

Just because I love my readers, I’ll leave you something to tide you over…not my words, but the words of a good friend.. and I couldn’t have said it better myself *smiles*

The love I want/need/deserve/crave/desire/yearn for/respect is:

A love that comes from someone that knows your faults, problems, and short comings and yet holds you down when you live up to all of those things. A love that makes you reconsider every thought you’ve ever had about love and then reconsider those thoughts again. A love that makes you sick to your stomach because of the fear of never getting a chance to express that kind of love. A love that while having sex, you don’t even need to achieve an orgasm to reach the highest level of pleasure. Just doing it with someone that you love that much, is orgasm enough. A love that starts as a friendship and ends as soul mates. A love when you first see that person you know that God isn’t the only Alpha and Omega, they are too. A love that makes you cuss them out because they made you fall in love with them. A love that makes you consider changing zip codes just to be near them, even if you know it won’t work, but just to have that feeling of love near you. A love that makes you “epyt ekil siht” because all of the words in your head, heart and soul can’t form complete sentences because the only word that comes out right is her name. A love that when you wake up in the morning, the first thing you do is thank God for waking her up and then thank him for waking you up. A love that makes you not want to get that motorcycle you’ve been dying for just because you want to live to see the beautiful babies you two will make together. A love that if you were too lose both arms and legs, you will still remember the way that each curve of her body felt on your finger tips and how good it felt to have her hand on your thigh. A love that makes you call your mom and say, “I’ve found the one Ma.”..after the first date. A love that makes you plan your funerals together before you plan your wedding because dying without her, is.not.an.option. A love that makes you reconsider tipping that stripper on at your bachelor party because that $20 could go to buying your wife a nice set of roses. A love that makes getting hurt by her worth it. A love that knowing that she’s the one for you, but letting her be with someone else breaks you down to your very last breath, but makes you so happy for her because she’s worthy of love, even if it isn’t yours. A love that makes you stand in the coldest rain in front of her house w/ no jacket on, knowing that she’s 2 days away. A love that makes you turn off the game, just to watch her walk around the house…in a robe w/ rollers in her hair. She’s that beautiful. A love that makes you not want to get that XBOX 360 you’ve been wanting,  just so that your fingers can stay ready to play games with her. A love that you know might not work because she wants to be with someone you aren’t and can’t be, yet you hang in there for a life time, praying, hoping, wishing that she sees that you are everything she ever wanted, but in a different package. A love that makes you learn a different language, just so that you and speak it to her while she’s falling asleep in your arms. A love that only you can give her because everyone else can only offer her short term love, not the life long type she reads about in all of those romantic novels.

I want all of that. I can give all of that. But who would want all of that? Whoever she is, she’s ready, she just doesn’t know it.

sidebar : If you find her, send her my way, k? ty in advance *wink*

be your own kind of beautiful.

When I was younger, I was obsessed with The Twilight Zone. Partly due to the fact my uncle was a writer for the series, so I was always surrounded by legal pads full of stories about people meeting themselves in the future, or elderly people finding the ” fountain of youth”. The one that has always stuck with me is called “The Eye of the Beholder”. It is filmed brilliantly in my eyes & truly shows how the world really is.

The plot is this woman has had something like 12 surgeries in hopes of looking like ” everyone else”. For most of the episode, her face is in bandages and all you see is her and the doctors, who’s faces are covered with surgical masks. They’re saying how she’s horribly disfigured and they hope that this final procedure will make her look “normal”. So they uncover her face and they look disgusted & disturbed. You’re expecting her to look like Swamp Thing, right? Nope. She looks a lot like Marilyn Monroe, actually..and the doctors & nurses remove their masks… they look like this.

I’ll give you a minute to take that in.

Everyone wants to be “perfect”. We run and get out hair & nails done every two weeks, spend unaccounted amounts of money on the latest fashions & make-up. We tuck this & cut that, spend hundreds of dollars a year in gym memberships..just to fit societies’ standard of beauty. But who’s to say that we’re not already beautiful? Hollywood? The government? Who exactly set the “beauty laws” ?

And why are we a slave to them?

but what do you REALLY want?

So, for the last 2 days, my sister has been on my phone complaining – because that’s what she does. Not about bills or having to be a semi- single parent..yanno, important issues..but about her love life. You see, my sister is 34 yrs old with a 10 year old daughter and is now aching for another child. The problem – she is a sucker for worthless men.

Let me explain.

She is currently seeing a man  – we’ll call him Paul just for anonymities sake. Paul is 42 yrs old..lives with his parents..and his niece..AND his 17 yr old son..in a 2 bedroom apt..in which he shares a room with his son. Which also happens to be 2 floors down from his ex-wife. and the laughter starts….now. He was employed when they met and about 3 wks into dating, lost his job. So now, almost a year later…he is finally, with my sister’s help, on the road to being gainfully employed again. He has also expressed that he has less than zero interest in having anymore children. Now thru all of this, he has gotten undisclosed amounts of money from my sister, disappeared for days without calling, and had managed to still have my sister wrapped up…and now, she’s slowly coming undone. Finally, the other day-my sister had enough & she let him have it. Called him everything but a child of the most high and hung up on him. She calls me and tells me that she’s had enough and it’s time for her to find someone who is worthy of her time & love. I say a silent thank you to God and hope that next time, she’ll be a little more selective.

It lasts a day.

She called me yesterday and says ” he hasn’t called me and I think he’s mad at me!”

*confused look* ” You told him he was a loser and that you were fucking someone else…would YOU call?”

The point of all of this is-women, KNOW YOUR WORTH!!! Know what you deserve..what you’re capable of dealing with..and for pete’s sake, know when to let it GO. If you have goals & ambition, surround yourself with people who are on the same path as you. Be upfront about your wants & needs in a relationship and never lower your standards for the sake of having someone in your bed.

Know what you want..and stop settling for a momentary fix.

insert profound title here.

Yeah so.. I don’t feel like blogging today. It’s finally stopped raining, so I want to enjoy dry land.

But I promise to be back tomorrow, k?

letting it all out.

I was going to post this last night before bed, but I wanted a chance to sleep on it…get my thoughts together & see if they changed.

They haven’t – so here goes.

Dating is a funny & confusing thing. When you meet someone, you put on your best “face” & tell them all of your shining qualities. Take them to the nicest restaurant in the city, hang on to their every word and when the night is over, you send them a cutesy singing e-card telling them what a great time you had and how their “perfume is still lingering on your shirt.” *insert “yeah right” face here* As the days turn into week, the weeks into months, you slowly begin to see someone who you realize you’re not all that acquainted with. By this time, most likely, you have already fallen in love with the original person you were presented with, and you have no clue what to do..so you wing it. You pretend that watching re-runs of The Office is your favorite weekend activity, that their snoring is “not all that bad”, Sex is an overrated activity better left to the HS kids & that paying $5 for a great cup of Starbucks IS absurd.

All the while, you’re trying to find just one good excuse to get out and run for the hills.

So, you finally muster up enough courage & strength to say ” I’ve had enough.” Not to say you didn’t love the person..but you realize that in the process of loving them & being there- you lost yourself. You stopped being all the things that YOU loved about yourself and transformed into this BEING to accommodate your mate. And it hurts.. a lot. But, in all the pain & anguish..you see a light..and it’s warm against your flesh.

It is in that moment, when you’ve found yourself again.

“I’ve made mistakes in my life

I’ve let people take advantage of me

And I’ve accepted way less than I deserve

But, I’ve learned from my bad choices

And even though there are somethings I can never get back

Some words I can never take back

And people who will never be sorry

I’ll know better next time

I won’t settle for anything less than what I deserve.”

My random quote for today