stupidity takes its toll on the soul.

You ever feel stupid? I don’t mean ” get an answer wrong on a test” kind of stupid. I mean stupid like you just wasted a bunch of time, energy & emotion for NOTHING. That no matter what you do and/or say, nothing will change.

that’s pretty much how I’m feeling these days…the bad thing is I can’t stop myself.

So what does that mean?

so full…so tired…so done.

I think the title pretty much sums it up…. but just in case, I have a song.

And in case you can’t watch it, lyrics are below. ( I’ve taken the liberty of highlighting the parts that are closest to what I’m feeling.)

I wish I could believe you then I’ll be alright
But now everything you told me really don’t apply
To the way I feel inside
Loving you was easy once upon a time
But now my suspicions of you have multiplied
And it’s all because you lied

[Chorus:]
I only give you a hard time
‘Cause I can’t go on and pretend like
I haven’t tried to forget this
But I’m much too full of resentment

Just can’t seem to get over the way you hurt me
Don’t know how you gave another who didn’t mean a thing, no
The very thing you gave to me
I thought I could forgive you and I know you’ve changed
As much as I wanna trust you I know it ain’t the same
And it’s all because you lied

[Chorus:]
I only give you a hard time
‘Cause I can’t go on and pretend like
I haven’t tried to forget this
But I’m much too full of resentment

I may never understand why
I’m doing the best that I can and I
I tried and I tried to forget this
I’m much too full of resentment

I’ll always remember feeling like I was no good
Like I couldn’t do it for you like your mistress could
And it’s all because you lied

[Bridge:]
Loved you more than ever
More than my own life
The best part of me I gave you
It was sacrificed
And it’s all because you lied

[Chorus:]
I only give you a hard time
‘Cause I can’t go on and pretend like
I tried and I tried to forget this
But I’m too damn full of resentment

I know she was attractive BUT I WAS HERE FIRST
Been ridin’ with you for six years why did I deserve
To be treated this way by you, you
I know your probably thinking what’s up with Jai
I been crying for too long what did you do to me
I used to be so strong but now you took my soul
I’m crying cant stop crying cant stop crying
You could of told me that you wasn’t happy
I know you didn’t wanna hurt me
But look what you done-done to me now
I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she’s had half of me

How could you lie?

[insert clever title here].

I REALLY should get better at blogging on a regular basis…but I’ve been so all over the place as of late. I’ll work on it

Anywho – Life is good for the most part. Got a new job, still dropping lbs & my bday is in 15 days. *fake smile* I’ve been debating what I have planned…so far all I have is taking myself to dinner & a movie. Please, I know…it’s pathetic, but my other option is to come home & drink myself into a coma.

On the relationship front… oh wait – there isn’t one. Nevermind then.

I’m going to do a blog some time this weekend to talk about a growing trend – stay tuned to find out what it is.

live and learn…then move forward.

The last few months have been tough for me…a lot of which I can honestly say was self- inflicted. I put myself in situations that I knew were a dead end and allowed people to abuse my love..my heart…my being. In the end, I’m a better person because of it. Originally, it sucked..BIG TIME. But now, that’ve taken a step back & analyzed the situation, I’ve realized that I’m a better person because of it…without it..and thru it all. Me hating the people involved won’t change anything…and all it will do is block my blessing and keep me from moving forward. In the last week, I’ve been so unbelievably blessed…all because I took the advice of a very special person in my life – I stopped stressing, stopped worrying about what everyone else was doing…got on my knees & prayed. There is so much power in being on your knees, humbled in front of HIM and giving him all your worries & concerns. He has truly listened to my cries(literally and figuretivly) and has been the force that is getting me thru my days. I now realize that with time, all wounds heal, that I am worth the truth,love & commitment 1000%  & I am going to be okay…

no matter who tries to break my stride.

eyes wide shut.

You ever wake up and realize that the life you were living was a lie? That everything you held near and dear to you doesn’t really exist?

Let me tell you…that shit is HORRID.

weight loss and other stuff.

Okay so this is a 2 part blog. I want to update you guys on my “reduction”, as well as talk about other stuff.

First things first- I am now down 35 lbs. *throws confetti* I am beyond excited and way proud of myself – because there were times that I wanted to give up…thought I truly wasn’t going to make it. But I have awesome friends who have kept me going and encouraged me beyond belief! I am so thankful for them . Soooo… I have ammended my original plan to just get down to a size 14..because as it stands, I’m not even at my goal and I’m at that size. So, now I’m onward to size 12..maybe even 10, but we’ll see *smile*

The second part of this blog is called “onegirl2pots.com” . I’m not certain that is a real website, but it should be. It’s not for porn,it’s more for the people who want their cake and eat it too.

For the people who DON’T want you – yet can’t stand the thought of you with anyone else and for that reason alone, try and keep you close enough to watch you, but don’t want you TOO close.

I have a message for anyone who does this, has does this or is thinking of doing this – STOP IT!

You cannot keep your finger in 2 pots – you have to decide which one contains the most appealing contents…and take solely from that one.

Be VERY careful what you ask for and be absolutely certain that is what you want…because in the words of Jay-Z ” Once a good girl’s gone-she’s gone forever”…..

goodbye.

There’s nothing but the good country surrounding me. The
moon is shining brightly over the tree tops and its reflection
on the water is such a beautiful sight. This is a perfect
place for two people who are in love …

As I sit here thinking about all the time I have wasted,
just sorting out my life — I never really realized what
loneliness was until you were gone. It seemed as though
things were going so good until one day you left without a
single trace. All of our plans for the future were
shattered. There was to be no more of you and I together.
You were gone, gone forever. I still remember the times we
shared, but slowly these memories are going too. One day
they’ll be gone just like you …

I’m trying desperately to find you and bring you back to me.
I dream about you every day and pray that you’ll come back,
but it’s hopeless. There’s no use in pretending, cause deep
down in my heart I know you’ve found another. Someone to take
my place, someone who’ll love you — but never like I loved
you. And even though you’ve found another, I’ll be true to
you, even though you’ve asked me not to …

My life seems so meaningless now. I’m useless – why was I
ever placed on this earth? What purpose do I serve? None,
none whatsoever. People tell me that another will come along
and take your place, but where is she? Who is she? Sometimes
I feel like giving up on life, on love, on everything, but I
can’t. My spirits won’t let me. I must go on – with or
without you. The things that ever really meant anything to
me are gone – vanished – never to come back to me again. All
I have left now is my dignity, but slowly that is slipping
away too …

I have to get a grip on myself — I can’t let this get me
down. Life must go on. Maybe it’s good that the memories are
going, maybe then I can go on with my life as meaningless as
it seems now. I don’t hold it against you because you left
me. It’s like they always say, “Let her go and if she really
loves you, she’ll come back to you.” But it’s not that
simple, now is it? The only way to having true love is to
realize that someday it may be lost. Believe me, I realized
that a long time ago …

The funny thing about all of this is if you were to come
back – I actually don’t believe I would take you back. I
don’t deserve such pain and torture. If you left me once,
you could do it again …

Goodbye, my long lost love – maybe we’ll meet again some day.

Letting go of someone you love and accepting that they no longer want to be with you can be a painful thing to cope with. But the heart does heal; it’s just some just take longer than others. And remember you’ve lived much of your life without this person before, and you can do it again. You just need to be strong, and hang on.

6 letter word.

friend.

That, to me is the most overused word in the English language – real talk.

When your a child, everyone is your friend. You see them everyday in school, you play with them at the playground and that one day you forgot your lunch on the bus, they shared theirs with you – and BAM, friends forever. You go friendship bracelet crazy and convince your mom that she is your sister that she SO forgot to have! Then one day, you’re absent for whatever reason…you return to school to find out that your BFF has befriended someone else in your absence…and your world as you knew it has crashed .

Or so you feel…at 11 years old.

The sad thing is, even as an adult, there are people who still haven’t mastered the TRUE meaning of the word friendship. Aristotle defines it as “A single soul dwelling in two bodies”. Different people have different definitions of friendship. For some, it is the trust in an individual that he / she won’t hurt you. For others, it is unconditional love. There are some who feel that friendship is companionship.

I’ve come to realize that I .. don’t have many people in my world who fit that definition.

I’ve always been the “go to” girl. Whenever my “friends” have an issue, I’m almost certain I’m in the top 3 people they call to vent to. Whenever they are super freaking happy about their love lives, I’m in the top 2. Now, I know what you guys are thinking – that’s what friendship is, right? Well, I would agree..only, I always thought that friendship was a 2 way street. I’m not saying that everyone in my life is a self-centered, self-involved bitch BUT if the chancletas fit… you know the rest. It’s just really sad how people forgot the ones who have been there..the ones who stay there…and the ones who will probably NEVER leave. They’re down for you when things are okay in your life – and the minute you hit a rough path, they run for the hills. After all, they can’t possible let your stuff rub off on them & pull them down, right?

My grandma once told me ” friendship is a leaky ship”..never have more brilliant words been spoken.

a moment of silence? try 20 yrs.

So, I was on my daily roams thru the halls of youtube..when I came across this video.

….and I cried.

Which is not abnormal for me because I am an emotional person. I cry during commercials (hey, hallmark had some killer ones a few yrs back!).

But, this video hit dead home…landed right at my feet. When I was around 6, I has scarlet fever..twice. The 2nd time, I developed mastoiditis …which cause me to go completely deaf for 2 yrs. In the time, I learned to sign & because I wasn’t born deaf, I still had my ability to speak, but I didn’t often bcuz my sisters would always sign to me that I sound weird…yeah, great bunch of gals THEY are .*eye roll* I went to school…my parents never treated me any differently and although I knew I was “different”, I didn’t care much. That was until I got around other kids…they asked questions that I couldn’t answer…made fun of my hearing aids…a bunch of other random things that I don’t care to discuss.

Then one day, I started hearing stuff again…out of one ear. Long story short…As it stands right now, I have something like 75% in one ear & 15% in the other…and I still, at almost 28 yrs old, it hurts. I always have to give myself a pep talk when I meet someone new ..convince myself to tell people about my impairment…because even in 2008, there are horribly ignorant people. I tell people ” Okay listen..I have hearing issues..blah blah blah. Even if I can’t hear you, I can read your lips.” Do you know how many people YELL at me? Or mumble? Or get irritated when I put the subtitles on while watching tv or a movie? Or just get plain frustrated when I said ” huh? ” or ” Can you repeat that?”. The worst is when the people who claim to love you ( i.e family, close friends, SIGNIFICANT OTHERS) do stupid shyt like turn their backs and talk shyt because they know you can’t hear them nor can you read their lips OR continue to comment on how loud you talk KNOWING that you only talk loud because you can’t hear yourself!

Needless to say, this video brought back a lot of sucky memories…and my message to the “hearing people” is this:

Imagine you woke up tomorrow…and you were in another country. No idea how you got there…and you can’t get home. Then you realize that NO one speaks your language..and they laugh at you for it…refuse to help you or even attempt to show you any compassion. I mean, it’s not your fault that you’re stuck in this place…and you don’t know how it happen. All you want is for someone to help you…or at least understand. That is how every deaf/hearing imparied person feels. We don’t expect everyone to run out & learn sign language…we just want you to understand that it’s not our fault and we don’t know why this has happen to US….we just want to live like everyone else and be loved & needed…

and read.

slow and steady wins the race…or REALLY pisses you off.

Hello babies.

I’m still on my reduction. So far, I’ve lost btwn 10-12 lbs (depending on what scale I get on lol). I guess I’m okay with that, but I was expecting better results, I suppose. Basically, I want to FEEL smaller…and I don’t. A few people have told me I look like I’ve been working hard, but I think that’s just because they are aware. When a complete stranger or someone I haven’t seen in a while says so, THEN I will feel like I’m doing something.

On the bright side, since my journey had begun, I have felt 100% better energy-wise. I don’t feel sluggish in the morning & I have energy all thru the day. Could be the 7 vitamins I take a day too.

All in all, I’m not stopping until I reach my goal! 36 more to go ! Stay tuned